Changes

So ever since I met Kiersten and Myranda, Kiery has always asked if she could live with us. The idea was always short lived and I knew it was a testing the waters thing. Of course our visits with them always have included fun stuff since they are on vacation when they visit. We don't get to do the normal, mundane, daily routine with them. So our house always seems like the "fun" place to be.  When we got orders to the same base last year, Alex and I wondered if either one of the girls would want to switch households. Sure enough Kiery brought up the idea to me again over the holiday's. My answer is and has always been that I would love to have her live with us, but she needs to talk to her Mom and Dad about it first.  She turned 12 in November and since the hormones have started kicking, things have been rough for her at her Mom (Winda) and John's house.  While I was in Tri-Cities she gave a little too much attitude to Winda and got in quite a bit of trouble. Not to mention our little straight A student started getting D's and F's for not turning in her work.  Alex happened to be down at their house having dinner while Winda worked late one night (John is deployed) and Kiery asked again if she could move in with us. He asked if Kiery had brought it up to Winda. Her answer was No. Alex mentioned it to Winda and the ball began rolling. When I got back from Tri-Cities, Winda, Alex and I all sat down together and talked about how to handle the situation and what would be best for Kiersten. We decided that no matter what we want her to be happy and that it would be solely her decision with what she wanted to do. We offered her a trial period for this last quarter of school, keeping her in the same school and then by the end of the school year she needs to make her final and permanent decision.  She decided she would take the offer. So, next weekend she moves in! We are excited, but I am a little nervous. I am going from being a new mom to a baby to now a full time mom of a 12 year old hormonal girl!  We also live an hour from them so I will have to drive her and hour to and from school every day, not to mention the toll fees for crossing the bridge to get to Destin.  I do think this will be good for her though. She will have some space from her sisters. I also think she will start to feel a little more grown up here since she will be the oldest. Right now she is in between Myranda being close to an adult and Meagan still being little. I think she is craving some attention. Her grades are an obvious clue to that. So we'll see how it goes. If she decides to stay with us then we will switch her to a middle school here in Crestview next year.  It will be an interesting few months!

Where does Motivation Come From?

I struggle with this everyday. Just getting out of bed is hard. Ryker is my alarm clock, but most days I really don't want to get up and I wouldn't if it weren't for him. I always wonder if anyone ever feels "refreshed" in the morning and how many actually get a good night sleep?  Maybe when I start eating healthy and working out I will start feeling that way. But where do I find the motivation? I have my start day set. I plan on sticking to it, but in the back of my mind I am not feeling it. It's not just about eating healthy or working out, it's about finding the motivation to do the dishes, clean the bathroom and do the laundry etc. I know my role now is a stay at home mom. It's what I wanted and yet I don't like it. Well I take that back. I do like it, but I feel like I am missing something.  Maybe motivation comes from feeling complete, or from happiness. But this is a vicious circle as far as I'm concerned. I would be happier, 30 pounds lighter, which will make me feel better, which will give me the energy to clean the house and motivation to eat healthy. But I have to start this cycle to get 30 pounds lighter and get that energy. ~sigh~ So how do you jump in when you are so far off the track?  I want to know how to wake up feeling like I got enough sleep to last me through the day. I need that energy to get going. Where is it? Coffee? 5 hour energy? ha ha. It the starting part that's hard. Does motivation come from society? We don't want people coming into our home and seeing our house in disarray. We don't want to go to the beach or the pool with our kids and have others see us in a swimsuit unless we look like a magazine model.  Maybe I am being too critical, striving for perfection when it really doesn't exist.  Alex always tells me I am too hard on myself.  Maybe motivation comes from a sense of accomplishment.  Once the task is complete you feel good that you got it done. But again, it's the getting up and starting it that's hard. As I type I think about the things that need to get done today. Nobody here to tell me to do it but myself, so as I type about motivation, I guess I better just take the first step, get off my butt and get started.

What about me?

I ask myself this question as I sit here typing while my son sleeps. After this rough year I've had I feel it's time to start figuring out myself again. There are two things at the top of my mind. Lose the baby/travel/stress weight and start running again. it's been 6 years since I used to run. I was training for a half marathon that I never made it too. I think it's time to make that goal again and actually follow it through. But first things first.... I have to get the motivation to make that first step.  I have been dealing with depression. Dealing with having a baby born 3 months early, 9 weeks in the NICU, packing up my wonderful life and moving to a new place completely empty of anything I am familiar with. I have never experienced depression before. Sure I've been sad, or had bad days, months or a crappy year. But nothing like this before. Nothing like the blow to my body, mind and emotions that this past year gave me. I am still crawling out of the hole. Thank God I didn't hit rock bottom. I got help before that. I had made a doctor's appointment to reevaluate my blood pressure meds and in the process broke down sobbing in the doctors office. She put me on an antidepressant. That certainly wasn't my intention for going to the doctor, but it has saved me. She said I was going through an adjustment period and rightfully so. She made me feel better that it was ok to get a little chemical help. I have always had this stigma about depression and taking meds for it. I don't want to be on a medication to make me happy. It seemed ridiculous. But now I understand and I am thankful. It has helped to give me some energy back and I don't feel like crying all the time. I am in a transition phase in more ways then one. I am transitioning to become happy on my own so I can go off this medication and become me again. For now though, it is my best friend.  This next month I am transitioning my son from breast milk to whole milk. Finally some freedom from the pump and I get some time back. I need to transition from eating crap (which I blame on the depression) to which I am addicted and start eating healthy again. Yes, I admit it. I am addicted to sugar and it needs to stop. I won't go into details about me eating a whole pan of brownies within a few days all by myself. If you see me you can tell that I ate that way! Those brownies and countless other crap is attached to my ass and stomach now. It's time for the intervention with myself. For awhile I didn't care, but my happy pill has made me start to care again. I live in Florida now for crying out loud. I need to look good in a swimsuit! Actually, more than that, I need to feel good about myself again then I can let go of the happy pill. So those are my goals. Start eating healthy and start running. Here's another issue. I am a Health Coach with Take Shape for Life. I am so far from looking and acting like a health coach. I don't want to be a hypocrite so I need to get myself back on track. Everyone falls off the wagon, plus I had a good excuse right? No, no more excuses. It's time to execute! So here's my plan. My son, Ryker turns 1 on March 7th. So that is my start day. It's a Monday so a perfect day to start my "new me" plan. Two weeks to go. I can do this!